Thoughts on a controversial subject


sub to Mistress X: “it holds no interest to myself but I can’t figure out if findom is the worst kind of femdom or (and?) its purest form.

Mistress X’s response: The moment a Domme becomes financially dependent on subs to pay her bills she is no longer in control. #Findom vs #REALDomme #FemDom

This is a direct quote of an exchange I witnessed recently on twitter, and it’s a textbook example of something that I think has become a very serious problem in our community.

The Lady in this interchange thinks of herself as a “lifestyle” domme. And what she means to do is to distinguish herself, and what she does, from those she sees as fakes and scammers, the camgirl-dommes who she thinks will do anything to make the rent. But what she has literally done is classed ANY woman who depends on her submissives in ANY degree for real world support as a fake.

Are you starting to see how absurd that is?

A REAL relationship in the REAL world is NECESSARILY going to include paying the bills. And saying that a woman loses control merely because she trusts her submissive enough to rely on him to pay a bill is completely absurd. It doesn’t indicate a loss of power or control, it indicates a depth of trust, communication, & bonding. These ARE the things that GENUINE D/s relationships are made of.

You see, the problem is that Mistress X – and all the others like her who feel the need to hate on findoms – typically don’t even know that much about them or what they do. It’s just the trendy taboo in the kink community nowadays. So they parrot things like this, generally for reasons that have to do with their own egos, and without really thinking them through.

And the idiotic part of this is that “findom” didn’t even EXIST until a few years ago. Interactions involving money were just (and still are) a normal, everyday part of many D/s relationships. At first the people who genuinely had a financial kink (they do exist, there are plenty of them) sorted themselves out just as the people interested in ageplay, and shibari, and all the other kink niches did. But then financial domination became the fashionable target of loathing, the popular thing to label as “not real” bdsm. In large part because of “lifestyle” folks like Mistress X not wanting anyone to confuse them with those supposedly oh-so-awful camgirls.

I contend that this contributes to a toxic atmosphere for us all. Because Mistress X (and all the others who make similar comments) has now instructed this poor submissive male – and any others who happened to be watching the interchange – that “real” D/s NEVER involves the submissive paying his Mistress’s bills, and that any Mistress who has such expectations is to be regarded as a fake.

Now I can’t speak for every other woman out there but as for myself, if you come to me claiming to want to serve and your idea of service includes rubbing my feet, letting me fuck you with a strap on or piss in your mouth but your attitude when I need a new roof on my house or my sick cat has to go to the vet is “how dare you expect money from me you must be a fake domme!” – well, lets just say you might as well not bother applying to me because I am NOT interested in someone whose only contribution to my life is to fulfill their own fetish fantasies. Once again let me say it – REAL life, GENUINE relationships, involve more than just kink play. They involve support on multiple levels and that includes support for genuine, real world needs. Like paying the bills.

I would certainly never, for instance, rely on a sub to pay my car payment right from the start (hell I don’t even have a car payment lol!) – that’s something that could only happen once I’d developed a very high degree of trust in his reliability & commitment to serve. But if his mind is from the start CLOSED TO THE IDEA that he is going to be contributing to my life in a practical, material way – and that means money – then ultimately we are not going to get along. And it is most certainly NOT because *I* am a fake! As my submissive, he is SUPPOSED to be here to MAKE MY LIFE BETTER. And that means in EVERY way, not just in the ways that please his own penis; if his “service” only extends to the end of his cock then HE is the faker, not I.

The truly ironic thing is that Mistress X is constantly on twitter suggesting to subs that they buy this sex toy or that item of fetish wear as a tribute for their Mistresses. She has no problem with subs gifting their dommes you see, but heaven forbid those cam-dommes make a living at it and be accidentally mistaken for a “real” domme like HER! But she can’t see how this sending of double messages would tend to lead directly to the very situation that all the “lifestyle” dommes seem to be continually bitching about – where the subguys expect us dommes to be free fetish delivery systems, prancing around in thigh boots and latex catsuits waiting to fulfill their fantasies with no actual lives, selves, or real world needs.

The message this sends is that we dommes are hot for sex toys and lingerie but if a woman expects you to contribute anything toward her actual life it means she’s no longer in control, not a REAL domme at all. How much sense does that make? And how ARE the guys supposed to know any better when it seems as if half the bdsm community has been trumpeting this absurdity at them for years?