Understanding Your Submissive Self

Your first job as a sub is to UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

This is perhaps the #1 mistake submissives make when entering the world of kink. If you don’t understand yourself, your own needs & desires and what you bring to the table, then you will inevitably be disappointed. Not only that but you will inevitably disappoint the dominant who spends their time and energy on you. Dommes have feelings too, and it can be incredibly painful to realize you were never really on the same page as the submissive you thought you had a genuine bond with.

It’s true that people change. Sometimes ‘life happens’ and circumstances occur which radically alter what we’re capable of doing. Sometimes these events can even alter who you are at the core. It’s also true that everyone (even Dommes!) starts somewhere, and few of us fully comprehend our own desires & limits when we start out doing this kinky stuff. But with a little thought we can all gain some understanding of what drives us, what we need, and what we have to offer.

Here are some questions that can help you know yourself better:

What turns me on?

Seems obvious I know, after all you’ve probably been masturbating to these ideas for years right? But it’s still incredibly helpful to clarify which kinky activities really push your arousal buttons. Because you don’t want to be, for instance, a guy who dreams of being fully feminized and find yourself dating a Domme who hates crossdressers. Every Goddess has her own interests and specialties; looking for one who has the same kinks as you do is the first step toward ensuring mutual compatibility.

What are my hard limits? What turns me off, and what am I physically incapable of?

Every Domme out there has met a sub who claims to have “no limits”. And the response those subs get is predictable disbelief. Think about it – if you came to me saying you had no limits and I said “ok then, deposit $10,000 in my bank account”  what would your response be? Exactly. You DO have limits even if you don’t know what they are yet.

It’s perfectly acceptable to not be sure what your limits are, especially as a newbie. But you’ll still have some idea of which activities would be real turn-offs for you. And you should also have a an idea of what you’re actually physically capable of. For instance, if you have arthritic knees kneeling for hours on end may not be a good idea. Or maybe you’ve had prostate surgery and can no longer get an erection. This is important information for your potential Domme to know and it’s your responsibility to communicate this to her.

How much time can I realistically devote to this?

Do you work 70 hours a week? Do you have lots of family commitments? How much time do you really think you will have available to spend doing things for & with your potential Mistress?

The idea of living 24/7 as a slave, being constantly at her beck & call and caged up when not in use might be a compelling fantasy but it’s unlikely to be a realistic proposition. Take a look at your schedule and determine how many hours a week you really have to spend serving her.

How much money can I realistically spend?

Having money thrown at us is a turn-on for most dominant women but don’t let this lead you into making promises you can’t deliver on. You don’t need to be wealthy to serve; many Dommes (myself included) will appreciate a loyal sub who reliably tributes what he can. Take a look at your budget and determine what you have left for ‘recreational’ spending after your basic needs are met. Things like healthcare & saving for old age should count as basic needs but maybe that daily trip to Starbucks is something you can sacrifice for your Goddess!

What skills do I have?

Are you good at graphic design or web coding? Can you mow grass, fix a car or build a deck? Anything you’re skilled at might be useful to a dominant Lady; different women have different needs. And every dominant woman you meet will be evaluating you in terms of what value you can bring to her life. Already having an idea of what might make you useful & valuable and communicating that to her will help you to stand out from the crowd.

Please note that this only applies to genuinely useful skills! Offering sexual “services” to a Domme will most likely be regarded as insulting and get you ignored or even blocked. Think about it – do you REALLY believe she has a tremendous need to have her feet kissed or pussy eaten when there are males aplenty clamoring for those things? She probably gets offers like that all the time from guys who are better looking & more virile than you. If she even had such a need she’d choose one of them to fill it.

Am I willing/able to learn new things?

Be honest – ARE you willing and/or able to learn new skills that will make you a better servant to your Lady? Would you study YouTube videos to learn professional massage techniques? Could you go to school to learn to do her nails?

It’s likely that any dominant woman will want a larger variety of services than you’re currently capable of providing. If you learn new skills to do more of the things she wants it’ll make you more valuable to her. But you may not actually have the time or – let’s be truthful here – the interest in learning to do the things she wants done.

There’s no shame in acknowledging that you’re more interested in getting spankings than giving massages. What IS shameful is leading your prospective partner to believe that you’ll eventually learn everything she wants when you have no intention of following through. But on the plus side: learning new skills that might please your potential future Mistress is something you can do right now. You don’t have to wait for an owner to start becoming a better slave!

What are my expectations from this relationship?

A 24/7 power exchange is often presented as being superior to any other kind of D/s relationship. And it’s easy to eroticize the idea of being completely owned and controlled. But the reality of putting another person’s wants & needs ahead of your own all the time is very difficult. Not everyone is cut out to be so self-sacrificing, and not every Domme even wants the responsibility (because it IS a responsibility) for ‘owning’ another person. It’s ok if what you’re really looking for is someone to play with a couple times a month. It’s ok if you like to ‘play around’, not being committed to any one Domme. And it’s ok if what you want is someone who’ll dominate you in the bedroom and treat you as an equal outside of it. But it’s important to be aware of what your expectations & intentions are toward each other; being incompatible in this respect is a recipe for misery.

What other commitments do I have that might impact this relationship?

Are you married or otherwise involved? Do you have children to care for? Or perhaps you have other obligations, such as to an elderly parent. These things will certainly influence the nature of your relationship with your Goddess. To be genuinely happy in your D/s relationship you need to find a superior who respects & protects the OTHER important relationships in your life. And if nothing else, these other commitments will dictate how much time you genuinely have available to serve.

What kinds of things do I enjoy doing outside of kink? What kinds of things do I find hateful & abhorrent, or even merely boring?

It’s not necessary to be into all the same things as your Goddess is, but having some mutual interests outside of kink is likely to make the relationship more satisfying for both of you. And hopefully you’d not want to get deeply involved only to discover later that there are things you truly hate about her. Taking inventory of your recreational interests and being conscious of your feelings about important issues will help you avoid involvement with someone you’re liable to wind up in conflict with.


Taking stock of what you really want is the best way to ensure that your search for the perfect Mistress with be fruitful. And being able to communicate what you really have to offer is an excellent way to set yourself apart from the many other subs who may be thronging around her. I hope this list of questions helps to clarify these things for you.

About the author: Goddess Opal