A lot of guys write to me asking if I’d be willing to completely ruin them financially. Now I realize that probably 99.99% of males who make that inquiry are seeking a wank-fodder response, and I don’t waste my time answering those letters. If you want me to discuss your fetish fantasies then you should approach me with an offering of tribute FIRST!
But I do think it’s a question that deserves a thoughtful answer. Because I think a lot of folks in the larger bdsm world don’t think of findom as operating by the same rules as any other kind of kink: with negotiations, and boundaries, and heck, even safewords if ya need ’em.
I’d like to think it goes without saying but I know it doesn’t so here I am, officially for the record saying it: whether it’s called SSC or (my preferred acronym) RACK, I subscribe to the basic principle that everything we do should be consensual and kept within previously-agreed-upon limits. For me some of those limits are clear: I will not kill you. (Yes I’ve had guys ask. More often than you might think.) I will not maim you. (Is castration maiming? I’m inclined to think so, but I’m willing to hear arguments to the contrary.) I will not do anything involving kids. I’m totally onboard with, for instance, making someone wear Depends to work for humiliation purposes but I’m otherwise not into the adult baby thing so that’s a hard limit too.
Scat play is also a hard limit for me. Not because I’m opposed to it in principle; I always saw the appeal as an extreme form of humiliation & dehumanization. But because of the logistics. I’ve spent far too much time scrubbing shit out of things in my life already to want to deal with any more of it, and dude, have YOU ever tried to crap on command & away from the home toilet? Yeah. Not as easy as all that is it? I always wondered too, when subguys give me the spiel about how delicious “bowel fruit” is – how do they know? Have they ever really tasted it? What does it taste like, really? Just based on anecdotal conversations with other Ladies it seems that ‘full toilet slaves’ are some of the most likely to be no-shows when it comes to meeting in the flesh. Apparently it’s a lot easier to digest eating shit as an internet fantasy than a real-life act, who knew. For those subs I come across who seem truly sincere about fulfilling their shitty fantasies I know several other Dommes who are into this and who have suitably outfitted spaces to do it in. I will happily refer you to one of them.
I dislike anything involving unconsenting others. This one seems like a clear cut limit: I’m not gonna snatch a man, tie him up and toss him in the back of my van unless he’s already told me he’d really quite like that sort of thing. (And in that case it sounds like a really good time! *wickedgrin*) Where it gets tricky is with things like public play. For instance, I was in McDonalds once and some guy led his girlfriend in, bound with rope, and paraded her around for a while. In front of the assembled breakfast crowd, including plenty of elementary school kids. (She was clothed.) Now I think being kinky is nothing to be ashamed of but that’s way beyond the line for me. Those McKinksters non-consensually involved everyone else in their scene. On the other hand, I’m completely willing to take a sissy sub with me to a nail salon for a pedicure, make him get pink nail polish, and sit there teasing him the entire time.
What’s the difference? I’m not sure I can even articulate it. Partly that the McKinkster couple was more blatantly scene-ing, yes. But I think it also has to do with my support of LGBTQ rights & my sense that what I’d be doing with my sissy is something that he should be able to freely and openly do anyway. When I tease gender bending guys about their forays into femininity it’s because we both get off on the teasing, NOT because I think there’s anything inherently wrong with the gender bending. I like gender bending. But that’s a tangent, I was talking about hard limits. And how maybe my willingness to stretch the limit of involving others in a sissy exposure scene is because I feel so strongly that those others should be ok with seeing various degrees of transgender expression.
Or maybe I’m just inclined to excuse myself for doing the same things I criticize others for. I wouldn’t be the first human to exhibit that weakness.
A-ny-way…back to my hard limits. The question asked so often by my correspondents touches on this issue of involving others who haven’t consented to be a part of the scene. It also potentially conflicts with another of my hard limits: I will not do anything that’s likely to get me arrested. Why is this? Because of the nature of what ‘financial ruination’ could mean. Would I be willing to take possession of everything my slave owns, have all his paychecks direct deposited to me, make him live on a meager allowance? Absolutely. And I know that you men can do quite well without a LOT of the things you think are “necessary”. Making you live a life without Starbucks, cable tv or comic books does not go against my ethical standards at all.
Would I be willing to make him drain his kid’s college funds? I think not. That crosses the line into involving unconsenting others. Plus, as a dedicated parent myself I don’t think I’d care to lay claim to any sub who would act so dishonorably toward his children. If *I*, as a greedy and narcissistic domme can put my duty toward the spawn above my own desires, then he sure as hell should be able to do the same.
Would I be willing to make him max out credit cards, empty savings accounts, and take out loans for me? It depends. Is he single & is anyone else’s name on those accounts? (I might still be willing – it depends.) Would I be willing to purposefully drive him into actual, court-declared bankruptcy? No. Why? Because deliberately taking out loans that you know you can’t pay with the intention of seeking relief through the bankruptcy courts is fraud, and can in certain cases be punished with time in jail. Remember that “things that are likely to get me arrested” limit I have? (And honey, if you don’t think it’s the dominatrix, i.e. SEX WORKER the money got spent on who’ll get dragged into court and/or jail, you’re just adorably clueless about the way things work in this country!) But then if you’re living with a bunch of maxed out credit cards and loans to pay then you are living on the edge, and it wouldn’t be that hard to fall in whether you really intended to or not.
Some of my correspondents have mentioned one other specific thing that I wouldn’t be willing to do, and that’s make them give up health insurance. Make him sell his house? Yes. His car? Yes. Live on rice and beans, with clothes from goodwill, no tv, and so on? Yes. But go without health insurance? No. And I think the reason for this goes back to my “will not maim you” limit. You see I know that FINANCIAL ruin is not, in fact, a permanent injury. With diligence and hard work it can be recovered from. (Unlike, say, having your balls chopped off.) The effects of neglecting your health however (which can come from not having proper health coverage) can be permanent.
These questions really highlight an inner tension for me, between the sadistic predator and the philosophical pragmatist who, no matter how much she teases, wouldn’t dream of shattering a valuable toy/tool. (And sweethearts, if you aren’t of any value to me why the hell would I be bothering with you in the first place?) Because there IS that part of me that craves destruction, ruination, annihilation. And financial sadism is very appealing as a way to touch that extreme for real.
The thing about touching the kinky extremes we fantasize about in real life is that it takes time and trust. And I’ve noticed that the guys who come to me saying “would you be willing to do xyz really extreme thing to me?” seem to be looking for someone who’ll jump in and instantly playact their idea of the Perfect Femdom™. You know – a fantasy woman. They never seem to have considered practical matters like “hey, what’s going to happen when I show up in bankruptcy court and the judge wonders where all my money went?” I WANT the extremes, but I want them with someone who is able to walk that line between dangerous excitement and just plain stupidity.