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Defining Your Boundaries

When you embark on a program of slave training with me I’ll ask you what your hard limits are. You’re probably familiar with the concept; your “hard limits” are those activities and areas of kink that you just don’t want to explore. Having hard limits is perfectly ok. Even dominants have hard limits. And while it may be super fun & erotic to imagine yourself as being unable to say no to anything your Mistress demands, the truth is that if you claim to be a “no limits” slave any femdom worth her salt will know that’s bullshit.

No such thing as “no limits”

When a submissive tells me he has no limits I like to tell him “ok then, send me $10,000”. Would you do this? I have yet to meet the man who would send such a sum to someone he just met. Most guys couldn’t come up with that much cash even if they wanted to. And those who can have better sense than to use it like that.
The point here is that you do have hard limits, even if you haven’t yet figured out what they are. Boundaries change over time too, which means that you also have soft limits. What are soft limits? Where hard limits are those things you absolutely never want to do soft limits are things you’re not keen to try, but which you might explore under the right circumstances with the right partner.

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Thinking about your boundaries as a bdsm sex slave

Some common hard limits other slaves have mentioned to me include no animals or kids, no blood, scat, or pee, no extreme pain, no marks and no public exposure. But there are lots of others. You very likely have an idea of what your slave training boundaries are even if you’ve never tried to articulate them before. So how can you figure out exactly what your hard (and soft) limits are? These boundaries generally will fall into three categories:

1. Physical needs

Are there any things which you cannot do (or must do) for health reasons? Maybe you’re diabetic. I would need to take this into account if I wish to do any slave training involving your diet, thus it becomes a hard limit. Arthritis, heart problems and many other health issues can likewise create limits on the kinds of bdsm play you can safely engage in.

2. Material security needs

These include things you need to avoid in order to stay “healthy” in a material sense. Chances are you don’t actually want to do anything which might cause you to lose your job (or your marriage), get kicked out of your condo, or get arrested. So for instance “no marks” is a good example of a hard limit that might result from your need for material security.

Financial limits fall into this category too. You might have a fixed budget for what you can spend on me as your Goddess, or it might be a more general restriction such as “no dipping into retirement savings”. If you’re into financial domination it’s good to have an idea of exactly what areas of your finances you’re really ok with letting me meddle in, and what areas you only wish to fantasize about.

3. Emotional needs

This category encompasses activities that may not be harmful to your body or your bank account but which would cause an unacceptable degree of mental anguish. Some examples might include a hard limit on feminization or verbal humiliation. Both of which are also good examples of how ‘hard limits’ can also be a matter of degree. For instance you might be just fine with wearing panties for me but not want to be fully feminized. Or you might enjoy verbal humiliation in general but have specific words you’re not ok with.

Communicating your limits

A good dominant will most likely ask you what your hard limits are when you start any program of slave training; I always do. (If she does not it’s ok to volunteer the information.) Likewise if your health or circumstances change you might need to adjust your hard limits and you’ll need to communicate that to me as well. It may feel intimidating to bring up the subject, after all you want to please your Mistress and do anything she asks of you.

It might help to keep in mind the principle of “protect the property”. Along with obeying her commands one of a slave’s most important responsibilities is to protect his Mistress’s property, i.e. himself. Communicating your limits to me is one way you act to protect my property. And just like I would not quibble with my car needing gasoline or oil changes I will not have an issue with your need to say take medication or contribute to your retirement savings. If a domme does have an issue with any of your hard limits then maybe she’s not the right Mistress for you.

You can ask me respectfully for a few minutes to discuss your changing boundaries. Or if that’s too intimidating you may also submit the information to me in writing. The very act of writing things out can often help to clarify them in your mind.

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